My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started . . .
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50
mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed,
and slipped back int o bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started . . .
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get
soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't
believe it . . . he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started . . . .
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She
said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started . . .
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive . . . so, I took her to a gas station.
And20then the fight started . . .
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security .. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started . . .
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started . . .
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, " Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started . . .
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with
what she sees and says
to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need
you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started . . .
